When You Come Last or How to Not Become a Resentful Jerk


I am exploring an old pattern.

When I was a little fairy, my loving Mom instilled in me to not be “selfish.” These lessons included putting others’ needs first, thinking about others’ feelings (hard not to when you are a raging empath), and watch to make sure you weren’t totally self-involved. We are raised by religion to always be of service and help others. I think I took it too far.

I give too much

My old pattern manifests itself as whiny “what about me?!” It isn’t pretty. It can be more quiet where I just whine and feel pity on myself acting like the girl who didn’t get asked to dance. Or it looks like ugly anger and resentment like, “Why isn’t anyone buying my stuff, dammit! Hello! What are you blind?” Or, those glorious slow seething blow-up moments where I want to pop barbie heads off and cry into my water when I find out only four people on Facebook Business page saw my post I labored on (thank you Facebook for limiting my reach only if I pay you money).

I have had slow moments in the past year where I barely had money for food and yet I was giving out a ton. That’s truly a large red flag I ignored.

I guess it is the “selfish” that tells me I need to keep giving to get, which I guarantee creates one heck of an energetic imbalance, and a giant hole within all areas of my life. In those moments, I think that is the only formula I have, but even in marketing we are told we need to share, share, share. The current trend lately is to give out FREE seminars, FREE everything to get business. (Did we all grow up with the same messed up beliefs?)

The problem is I like to give. I love to nurture and share. I have so much creative energy it feels foreign not to do six creative projects at once and share all of it. But I need to recognize when I am giving too much out and not getting what I need. My fabulous loved one reminded me the other day that I needed to take time out to give to myself. How sad I forgot and needed that reminder. I need to learn how to watch that energy pendulum for myself or I won’t have anything left to give. Examples are flooding my mind. I have this image of a child playing too long in the Arizona sun without enough water and falling over because he forgot to drink. Or my cell phone draining of energy and I can’t use it because it needs to be recharged into the wall. Do I yell at the kid he’s selfish or needy? How about the phone? He needs water to continue and the phone needs the charger. Why wouldn’t I have needs for my business or my personal time to keep going?

I am shifting this!

I guess it is a little like watching my milk intake and being vocally clear what I need. I have no problem with that one. I can tell a waiter, “No cheese please.” I don’t make excuses or whine, or cry about how I don’t matter, I just order. I need to express those limits and healthy boundaries. I need to make limits on how much I can give.

I wonder why it is so hard for me to learn how to ask for what I need and expect I will get it. Why is it so much easier to just take care of others? But the funny thing is, and I will let you know a little secret, I am happiest when my needs are met (like duh). When I am a little selfish  self-taking care of, it is kinda glorious. Having alone time in the forest, being able to write and make movies or design, makes me really, really happy. And when I am really, really happy, I am delightful to be around. I can give a lot and then I inspire those around me. The more I take care of me, the more I have to give. I am like my cell phone at full charge! And when I am neglected and not getting when I need, but still trying, and still giving out, I am, well, let’s admit it, a very cranky and whiny fairy. Yuck.

So there that overly-giving part of me! Do you hear all that?! It’s not selfish, it’s actually making me more helpful to others. It’s necessary! It’s how this thing should work.

Next time I feel empty, and I can’t pay bills, and I am giving and sharing, and I am invisible, and my needs matter the least, I will not whine and cry, it will be a clear sign I forgot to take care of myself. I will have to pry my tight, gripping hands from the sharing pattern for a moment. And a clear energetic symptom that I am on the right track will be I will feel lighter and freer and feel relief. I am lightening my load. I am back on track again.

What do you think? Have you had this experience too?


Speaking of sharing, last session of Fairy and Empath Online classes start on Friday. I will be teaching creative classes over on my art site, but many classes here will be retired. Did you reserve your spaces? The catalog is here.



  1. I relate to what you wrote. I am learning to put myself first too, as well as having “boundaries.” I consider myself a giver and there are plenty of people willing to take from me, especially my time, which is the most important thing for me.

    I am also an empath but I think its more than that. As women we are told by society that we are the nurturers and if we don’t put all others first, we are selfish.

    It took a life threatening illness to wake me up. Now I put myself first. I say yes and no, without giving an explanation when I say no. Oprah says, “No, is a complete sentence.” I create too, collage, jewelry and I write. I decided to do it because I enjoy it. Its my meditation. It’s “me” time.

    If someone buys it, great. If not, I had fun making it. If someone doesn’t read my blog or FB post, that’s ok. I expressed myself and that’s all that matters.

    How wonderful is it that you are aware of your behavior and can change it to be happier. Most people choose to sulk, whine and expect others to behave the way they think they should. I used to do that until I figured out I can’t control anyone else, but I can control me.

    I practice and study Buddhism which teaches that life is about being happy, living in the moment and being grateful. If you can focus on that, I think everything else will fall in to place.



    1. Ingebird, thank you for your response and story. I so agree what society tells women! It’s a challenge to fix. I agree also on the happy and grateful part, not always great at being in the moment but I am learning!

  2. You are right. It’s all about balance. We’re no use anyway when we haven’t ‘charged’ with some energy for ourselves! A bit like breathing. We’re not designed to breathe out all the time! We have to breathe in too! Blessings x

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