Once the dust settled and the pain has subsided more, I realize I am learning so much about myself that was buried for years. For the first time in twenty years, I am alone, and at first, scary, it is beginning to feel very freeing. I went practically to my parents’ house to my husband’s house with only a few years in between in a dorm room. It’s amazing how we lose ourselves in what we think others want us to be. Perhaps, this really is my new adolescence.
So, to make a list honoring my new found knowledge, I give you my “What I’ve Learned About Myself List”:
- I am not and have never been a soccer mom. I hate that cart-the-kid-everywhere persona and you have no life. That is not me. ( No disrespect to the soccer moms out there who are better matched). I always saw myself as someone who would carry their baby in a backpack while visiting museums and flower gardens and traveling the world. I see myself more as a teacher for a child.
- I like going to sleep late. I’m not a real night owl but 9-10 pm bedtime feels right and I love to write at 3 a.m.
- I like unscheduled time that lasts for hours. It’s nirvana for me.
- I am not thrilled with rural areas, and yet, that is all I’ve lived in for the past twenty years. I miss the city.
- I like sex because I am a very sensual person. I like textures, feelings, touch.
- I hated dealing with therapists all the time and teachers, etc. It was a huge drain having everything revolve around the kid with no results, no growth and no reward, but a ton of abuse. If she had grown from it all and thrived, it would have felt worth it. Sacrifice everything as a parent is a very false belief. What you have left is nothing for yourself or even to give.
- I like not answering to anyone. I can make my own schedule. I can decide what I want and need. This is a new concept for me. I am so used to being focused on everyone else’s needs.
- I like having my car and that means my own control and steering. I enjoy driving.
- I hated that I couldn’t be angry and say what I wanted for fear I’d be abandoned. I see now that was wrong. You should be able to still say what you need, express your truth and anger, and not have fear someone will shut off or punish you.
- I need community and belonging to thrive.
- I’m not simple. I am a complex being with lots of depth. I’ll never be simple. My mind never stops going. I am highly intellectual and analytical.
- I’d hate being a foster mom or respite mom or anything like that working with kids all the time in the house. I’d hate it. I hated being reduced to a role and not a person, without alone time I’d overload everyday.
- I like some positive limelight. I like seeing my name on books and getting recognition.
- I am not a morning person, nor will I ever be. I like getting up at 9 am. I once had a job that started at 7 a.m.and I spent the first few hours delirious and clumsy. I’m still not sure how I drove to work each day.
- I love watching movies lately. I love analyzing the story writing. Good writing really feeds me.
- I love having friends. I depend on them and I love having and giving to them. I love having so many friends on Facebook to rely on and communicate with, and I feel great that I don’t have to feel guilty that I am that social or have to look over my shoulder.
- I love the arts. I really don’t like hiking. It feels silly to me. I like sitting in nature. I am not athletic except for dancing. This is who I am.
- I really hate board games. They feel ridiculous to me. I get “bored” so easily.
- I hate pop music, especially the teenaged-singers. It feels too bubblegum and canned for me. The station 102.7 is annoying; like nails on a chalkboard.
- I think that God’s greatest gift are dogs.
- And, I am finding I can pick up what others are not saying and what is happening underneath so easily lately, that it’s like an unspoken dialougue. I do think that would explain my impatience. I already got it, felt it, know, and then I want to move on to the next thing. I guess that is why small talk gives me headaches.
What’s your list?