I woke up from dream school last night with the final understanding (been working on this one for a long time), that I don’t need to compromise anymore. Underneath that compromise is a firm belief that I need to, to have what I need.
In the past month, I’ve ran around producing, doing, striving and trying (going way against the flow), when my spirit wanted me to rest, and maybe even take a break and go paint, but I hadn’t. A long old fear in me tells me I must be extraordinary and do extraordinary things, in order to have what most folks have and get easily. It isn’t enough I can do some skills others consider extraordinary already, and that in itself should be enough, but no, I need to surpass that. Or I feel in business, I should compromise what I want to do or need to do for the sake of the client or the student, and end up on the short side of the stick. Then, add on top of it a huge amount of creative energy goes through me and I feel and need to create all that comes through. But the constant lately, has been a huge outpouring that does not equal what is coming back. I see this similar struggle in my loved ones too. And all this becomes very evident in the lull–When I am faced paying an important bill and don’t have the support for myself.
So, what do I do during this dilemma? How do I do things differently? I look to the Masters: The books. My helpers. My inner guidance to show me what passages I need.
- I usually tell myself I need to do x in order to get y. But what I have found lately, is when I am busy working so hard on x from another avenue altogether comes the y.
- Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer say in the their great book, Creating Money, “Offering your services or your work to those who don’t value it can increase your doubts about your worth, cutting off the flow of energy and thus your abundance.” Perhaps when I overcompromise or feel I need to work harder for some audiences, I am dealing with people who don’t value my work? The right clients for me seem to see the value of what I offer immediately. I don’t have to do much convincing.
- In another passage they say, “Perhaps you offered a service that was unappreciated and you felt depreciated for a while afterward. That experience may have also been a turning point in your valuing of your work and yourself. Give your work only to those who will value and use it.” Last year I offered a class to the local area that only one person showed up for! That experience hasn’t been cleared from my mind unfortunately.
- Still looking I am guided to, “Some of you keep trying to make the old forms work, putting more and more effort into them, until you decide to look at new forms and ideas, starting the cycle all over again…Once you have mastered one level, you are ready to go on to the next.” Hmm. This is telling. I have made a big leap lately and have that “my old clothes don’t fit me” kind of feeling. It’s why I felt guided not to to teach the book classes at the college this semester.
- And the last quote I see, “There are four basic states of flow you might experience: calm, when money is coming in and going out in equal amounts; ebb, when much more money is going out than coming in…” The authors explain in these situations to look at your own energy to where it might not be moving. My energy has been inward and trying to heal, so this makes sense to me. It may be what I needed all along. I wasn’t following my energy but working against it by pushing and doing so much.
Any ideas? Can you relate me fellow blog friends?