Are you an Emma Lou or a Cranky Patron?

Bill and I went to the new library the other day and I am writing this from a cozy seat there now. You should see the new building. It’s a bit out of place in our AZ town–modern architecture, futuristic design, bright orange chairs and state of the art computers. It looks like a spaceship. I keep wondering when we are going to take off.

While hanging out in the non-fiction area, I overhead the beginning of a conversation.  A woman with her daughter was complaining about the new library. It’s too big…she can’t find anything…why didn’t they carry this book or that? The complaints didn’t stop. The vent was blowing on her head (but she refused to move). They only have one vegan cookbook and it’s not even the most up to date.  

I glanced over at Bill who frowned. “Why then, doesn’t she leave?” He whispered to me.

After twenty minutes of this barrage of nasty complaints, I was feeling cranky myself! This woman, I thought, must be absolutely miserable. How can anything good get through that?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve had a few bad days where my nasties probably came out like that–in a barrage of criticisms. This was a scary mirror I didn’t want to have.

When we got home, there was Emma Lou Bangles, our 3 year old basset girl. (A mirror I’d like to have.) Emma Lou, on the other hand, is the complete opposite of the cranky library patron. Emma Lou is excited about everything. A leaf? Cool! The sun is out? Yeah! A kiss? Oh good. A moving bug on the carpet? Even better!  She is a high energy, vibrational being made of pure God. All she sees is light.

Perhaps the cranky patron was once like Emma Lou, and somewhere along the way, that light inside of her got horribly blocked. She couldn’t see the leaf, or the sun, or even delight over the crawling bug! They all become nuisances.

So, today, which are you? Don’t become a cranky patron. Hang out with the Emma Lou’s and have them rub off on you.

Hey, is that glitter? Cool….

Crazy energy report and slow time of year

Okay, the energies have been wild lately! If you are sensitive, you are feeling it. I’ve had a bug lately and because of the fever, I was so ungrounded and seeing the energies. it was coming off of everything! There’s been lots of spirit contact,  lots of changes, and lots of Guides hanging nearby (opposite of what Emerging Angels has reported). My Guides have been near as well as, many clients’ Guides lending a hand. The energy is building for big changes and new doors opening that are about to happen. It’s been busy! It may be Mercury Retrograde, but it’s also a weird time of year..August/September.

Funny story…one year many moons ago, I saw a career counselor at the college I often take enrichment classes at in desperation and frustration.  We went over my Myers Brigg and decided I was an INFJ. I told her I was so tired of my work at the time and I wanted a change. I mentioned how I wanted to create books and art.

Switch to the next year. I went to same career counselor. Bitched about the same things. She told, “Do you realize you showed up here the exact time of year as last time?” Apparently, the August/September slump time affects me greatly. I worry about paying the basics and if this is what I should be doing…blah blah blah. Come October, things really pick up and I shut up again until January slump.

I tell this to myself after massive marketing and publicity and still just coming out of slow times. Apparently, there is a rhythm to life we can’t avoid. Perhaps each year I am one step more ahead. Or maybe I need to ask for more.

IF:Magnify

For my long absence at IF, I present Magnify. Many of our fears are monsters magnified from inside of us. “Befriend the feared monsters inside of you and bring them into the light.”

color pencil and ink and a touch of Photoshop

print available at my Etsy shop

Losing my heart food

I think my heart is closed down.

I just came back from a dance class at the college, which felt glorious and fun. Doing fun dance steps, swaying to the beats of the music, brought me back to the olden days when dancing was nurturing for me. I practically grew up in a dance studio from the time I was four or five. My second home, is what my Mom would call it. The poor woman had to play taximom to my sister and I back and forth to the studio. I grew up with the owner’s daughter, Haley, and I have fond memories of playing with Dawn dolls and dollhouses in her room at the back of the studio.

There are some bad memories too, when I got older in high school, still dancing, but then battling body image, a tough teacher now saying curves were not good, and as a result, the beginning of an eating disorder. Some of those memories are coming back as my older body has entered the dance class among the young ones, but I don’t want those memories to override my joy.

The coincidences are overpowering right now in regards to this class. My one dance teacher was Russian and called me affectionately “Runny.” This teacher at the college is also Russian. When I heard her call my name the same way, mixed feelings swept through me.

Old loves and lost joy are the themes coming up for me now. I used to adore writing and took every class at the college I could. My first writing class I met one of my best friends and felt a delicious belonging I hadn’t felt for some time. I am now taking a class in play and screenwriting, which brings me back to my acting days, more times of belonging and happiness.

I haven’t lost drawing, which I am grateful for. Through the years, however hard they may have been, I kept at it. Paper and pen flowing.

Ironically, I taught my Fairy Joy class this summer for the first time. I needed the class most of all. You see, I had lost my joy and closed my heart. I know this now. We are raising a very sweet and charming kid, who has lots and lots of issues from having a very tough beginning. That beginning colored her world and made it a place of hard survival and trauma. The problem is, she doesn’t differentiate between then and now. She has the same tactics: manipulation to get what she needs, lying, false accusations, splitting, triangulation, creating drama, etc. It’s way above even the normal teenage stuff. But what she shows others is a perfect young girl, so we look like the bad guys. As you can imagine, it’s been very, very hard for us to give while not feeling anger.

So, I am exhausted. I’m spent. My husband and I  meet with several therapists a week to learn how to parent her and try to undo the exhaustion, the lack of joy, and the misunderstood & uneducated comments from the outside world.

Which brings me back to my joy and the classes. What I wrote first here is the most telling. Dance was nurturing. Through trips to the studio I spent time with my Mom, who has since crossed over too early. Mom was nurturance growing up. Writing is from my soul–a gift from me to you. Drawing connects me to that little girl unaffected by the losses and pains of the world. In the process of trying to heal our little girl, we got caught up and began to live in the rollercoaster of her world–a very dark, hurting place. And much worse, those who were meant to be helpful, hurt us much more, by not witnessing us or honoring our needs. From this dark place, we forgot how to nurture ourselves. We may even have felt we didn’t deserve to be nurtured. The message we repeatedly got: Parents only give selflessly and have no needs of their own. I’ve seen this dynamic lately mirrored in my outside world by not getting what I need–the very basics. But I had forgotten the food for my soul, the very basics for my inner world’s needs–the art, the words, the movement, the mothering!

God, the Universe, my spirit helpers, brought me to these classes and gave me the coincidences. This has led me to the understanding that we can not give from an empty place. As parents we have a right to our own needs too. As healers, artists and teachers, also. We need to open our hearts again and we can only truly do that when we are fed.

(If you are needing your joy back, consider the Fairy Joy class to rediscover what feeds you. Sign-ups are happening right now.)

Fairy School Classes Start this week

A little reminder…

Fairy Online School classes start this week. (Next session isn’t until October, so sign up now!)

We are running a cool special–sign up with a friend and one of you gets tuition half off! Very cool. Only for August.

• If you are grappling with your increasing sensitivity, and many of us are nowadays, the Care of the Sensitive class offers natural tools to give relief and balance.
• Now is the time to communicate deeper with your animals! What does he want? Need? Help with behavioral or health issues? Be a better animal parent. Take the Animal Communication class.
• Want to connect to animals that have crossed over? You know that bond is still there and they may be trying to connect with you. Take the Animal Mediumship class.
• Want to make flower essences? Take the Fairy Beginner class. A very lighthearted course with info to get you started.
• Life is depressing, hard? Need some Fairy Joy in your life? Fairies 101 is a sampler of our fairies class. Learn about Today’s Fairies and how they can help you heal.

Want to meet the Fairy Online School instructor? Check out this mini commercial here.

Nasty People Have a Purpose

Yes, I think nasty people have a purpose. And maybe they weren’t always nasty. They became nasty. Life handed them a series of events that hurt or dismayed. I understand that. But when life throws me several nasty people at once, I have to stop and think what the message is.

I am historically one who carries everyone else’s stuff. A very bad habit for an empath.  Sensitive folk tend to feel responsible for what they feel. This has been changing, shifting. So, the Universe and Dog has sent me folks in the past week who are angry and want to dump their stuff onto someone else to feel better. I am being tested. Did I really learn? Really shift?

Our daughter recognized this fine ability I have of carrying early on and graciously took advantage of this “gift.” Even when I wasn’t with her in the room, somehow it was my fault for her misdeeds.  On a recent trip to her grandparents and relatives, she managed to encourage them to dump onto myself and my husband with very unfair and untrue comments.  Nasty people #1

Enter disgruntled student with unkind words that didn’t help, improve, or grow my school. Ouch! Her words felt more like a bad breakup: “I wish you were something else: Prettier. Smarter. I kept hoping you would change.” Nasty people #2

And finally, the owner  from the small town service station of Mayer that fixed our car was super nasty, sexist, rude, and overall disrespectful while arranging payment plans. I am grateful we could make an arrangement, but not how it was made. Nasty people #3

Has the world lost their communication skills? Do I still look like an open wastebasket? Just because I feel it does not mean I have to fix it.

I am learning the true gift of duck energy. Feel it, recognize it as someone else’s stuff, and in some cases–bad manners–and then refuse to take it on. Walk away. Stand up for yourself. Say something, but don’t carry it. Some folks only feel better if they have someone to dump it all on, but you don’t have to be that person. We are doing them a disservice. They need to process and deal with their own stuff, just like we try to. We do this to grow and be better people. Do we really want to take away their lessons to learn? This would be like doing someone else’s  homework for them. Very uncool.

It did hurt when each nasty person dumped on me. I must admit it. I’ve always been the type that was appalled when someone was mean to me on purpose. I guess that is the price to pay by being so sensitive. But maybe I need to practice acceptance. Some folks won’t change. They may always be nasty in some way or another. Their lives will reflect that. You don’t have to be empathic to feel how miserable they truly must be inside. So, if I can move to a place of compassion I’ve really progressed as a soul, I suppose. But I do need to give that compassion to myself and realize I never deserve that kind of treatment, from anyone, even if I do know their reason for distress. In the words of the wonderful group Monty Python, I can “run away, run away!”

Weird art therapy

Getting back into my art, I turned to painting and drawing yesterday. I was amazed at how much “stuff” was lying underneath the surface. Painting is a brave endeavor. The mere act releases a ton. But what really freaked me out was when I began drawing, a character emerged. A creepy, freaky character I named Beauty. Far from my usual upbeat artwork, this gal was dark. Hmmmm…..another aspect of my long-forgotten self?

555 and the Soltice Energies

The clock has been flashing “555.” I know this to mean big changes are happening, so every time my soul and Guides call my attention to the clock, I know to ask for all the changes made to be for the best and be gentle!

In my animal tarot deck, the New Beginnings card — frog — keeps showing itself. Frog is also about clearing/cleansing so new beginnings can take place. (I can attest to that! I’ve emotionally upset and rashing out!)

I have talked with so many students, clients and friends who are all going through the ringer lately, in the past few weeks. I do believe there was a door opened recently for souls to enter and to leave. Anytime there is an influx of big energy coming in, there needs to be energy coming out. We almost lost our 95 year old grandfather around this time and each other, the same time as Farrah, Michael Jackson and Ed McMahon all made their departures. I’ve been hearing the crickets chirp! Crickets: the sign of death and rebirth.

Thanks to my friends who sent me energy reports confirming that June was going to be a time of huge energy shifts and transformations. It feels like we are in excellerated speed. Not just in a cosmic/spiritual perspective, but also on a more practical level–perhaps with all the big changes in the world in economy, the president, downfalls, we are forced to face our own negative stuff and see what needs to be changed–the things we always battled, didn’t like, complained about, that hurt, didn’t work–and finally have to surrender to fixing or changing them. And that  is not a bad thing! It has to change! But for sure, if we battled these things for a long time, it will feel like painful birth pains to get rid of them to birth a new way of living (the birth analogy one good friend has expressed to me and another friend also expressed a few days later!) It’s as if we finally have no choice. Pretty exciting stuff as long as we lean on our support & each other, be brave and strong, trust, and face forward. Happy birthing.

Guide Message for the Day

“If old stuff and issues are coming up, it means you are ready to heal them.”

Knowing Your Limits-it’s enough

Why are all our big lessons so hard to learn?

Last night on date night, I got sick on dinner and almost had a full-blown panic attack in my favorite hang-out, Barnes and Noble. A little FYI, Pampass Grass (for recentering) and Rose 81 (for calming down after emotional breakthrough) brought me out of the attack pretty quickly.

It occurred to me in that moment, that perhaps, just maybe, I could be asking too much of myself right now. I’ve been up nightly with Foxy, our red dog, since December, who is progressing nicely now, but had been seriously ill. Before that, we had a crisis with our special needs daughter that left us beat-up and spent for months. Do I grant myself a rest? No. I plunge forward! I’m a soldier. Strong and independent.I can prove it! I can take on and handle whatever God or the world throws at me.

When our bills got out of hand to pay for Foxy’s care, we posted on our blogs, and pleaded, tried to raise money and worked harder still. More exhaustion. Because, certainly, we should be able to have tons of money for care, right? But Foxy was getting better on her own accord. She was healing herself. We were assisting with some meds and fluids. Friends came out of the woodwork to help with more natural methods. It wasn’t all my responsibility to heal her. But still, I put the pressure on myself. I was a bad parent for not having everything we needed, and this was echoed in the shaming vet we dealt with.

We watched as money dwindled, and because of the economy, relatives held tighter to their wallets out of fear, and in the process, pulled away emotional support too. They were nowhere to be seen! (After all, she’s an old dog anyway. Ouch. And I mean, big ouch). We felt seriously abandoned and more tired!

My reaction through all of this was to push harder, work harder, and yell at myself for not trying enough! Nice, huh?

But today, after flipping out in Barnes and Noble, and becoming good pals with the toilet (awful visual), I realized that when I blame the world around me for not being supportive and asking for too much, maybe I am doing this to myself. The world will always do this in one way or another. The folks who were withdrawing their money were not emotionally supportive either. And, those who were supportive, would be so even if I didn’t do a thing–didn’t try at all. An amazing concept. This trauma just brought this knowing to light.

Could I recognize that what I do is enough? That it would have to be in this moment? Could I support myself and ask less? Could I recognize how much I already was doing? Pat myself on the back for a bit. Could I change this pattern and not find myself wanting to puke and panic in my place of worship?

We do what we can.